Sports

One of the biggest legal fights in this modern era of celebrity trials, the Tyson affair was a knockout.

I’ll be that dad we all knew growing up, that guy who may as well have been our friend’s grandpa visiting from Tucson, more titanium than bone … more Kohl’s denim than man.

The year 2016 in America was a crushing, 12-month family road trip in our cramped Buick LeSabre with no air conditioning and plenty of stench. We drove to the sun and back.

“So when you see my Christmas card and I see yours—and when some poor bastard has to slog through Aunt Gertie’s thousand-page newsletter—we can all nod and wink at each other and know that we’re seeing a picture, but not the whole picture.”

If Ram had a signature T-shirt, it might read, “I won a silver at the Rio Olympics, I’m ranked in the top 20 … and all Indianapolis ever gave me was this lousy magazine story.”

Cheetos. Pulled pork. Oh, and, yeah, the game lineup. Everything you need to have on hand for Saturday’s day-long hoops hysteria.

“Hello there, ma’am. I’m Nate. These are my children: Mötley, Beowulf, and Metallica’s Master of Puppets Album. We’re here for the birthday pizza party and– BEOWULF NO! PULL YOUR PANTS UP.”

I’m a free-range sports parent, I’m not sorry.

To the extent that Milan’s victory inspired ‘Hoosiers,’ one could argue that ‘Hoosiers’ returned the favor, enshrining the game in the country’s collective sports-history consciousness. And here, to mark the 50th anniversary of the game that ‘Hoosiers’ celebrates, former Milan players and the film’s cast and crew hold court on making a sports movie for the ages.

Wise men would stop right after The Warmup, of course. We are not that.

“I’ve been an adopted Hoosier for almost 20 years, and the same people are at the events year after year and they’re just as excited every time they come.”

Prediction: Boilermakers and IU meet in title game—twice.

At some point in the last 30 years, it became A Thing to encourage uncoordinated, uninterested 5-year-olds to play organized basketball. I’m here to tell you that this is the dumbest, most helicopter-parent-y, most garbage idea to emerge in that same 30-year timeframe.

It’s for those of us too young to yell at clouds all day about how Aaron Bailey SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT, too old and tired for anything in Broad Ripple at night.

“I went to Ohio State instead of one of your favorite schools,” Knight told the audience in Grand Rapids, which reacted with a hearty chorus of boos.