12 Things to Expect Next from Dame Angela Ahrendts

The recently named Apple executive and outgoing CEO of Burberry, Angela Ahrendts, has claimed the affinity of the British Empire, and now finds herself one of its newest honorary dames. Before that, the New Palestine, Indiana, export was already among the highest paid execs in the United Kingdom, a rarity for a woman, let alone one born on the other side of the pond. All this got us thinking: What might the Ball State alumna conquer next? Here’s a quick roundup:

1. Agree to crowd-surf the Indy 500 Snake Pit, but only if it is returned to its rightful location in Turn 1.

2. Give Vladimir Putin a hug.

3. Adopt Justin Bieber and teach him how to be an adult. (After all, Ahrendts, at 6’3″, “grew up tall and she grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.”)

» About that Bieber, this was some wacky news.

4. Fill Indy’s potholes, stat. We’re talking pseudo–moon craters in some places.

5. Catalyze a worldwide ban on the phrase “YOLO.”

6. Snap a selfie with Hillary Clinton. Break Ellen DeGeneres’s record.

7. Host Saturday Night Live. (It’s not so farfetched—we already have a local in the cast.)

8. Arbitrate any future kerfuffles between Glenda Ritz and the Indiana Board of Education.

9. Keep HJR-3 from raising its head at the Statehouse ever again.  

10. School the next generation of TV-star meteorologists. There’s always something new to latch onto in the Post-Doppler Whoppler Mega-Radar Era we live in.

11. Craft and christen Sun King’s newest brew.

12. Her true mission, should she choose to accept it: Bring the Super Bowl back to Indianapolis.