Hoosierist

“Even if winter creeper is somehow expunged, plenty of other imported plants are busily stealing sunlight and soil from honest, hardworking, native species.”

“Try to set up a lemonade stand on park grounds any other day of the year, and you’ll get a lesson not in capitalism but in how hard it is to do anything on government land without filling out lots of forms.”

Pretty soon, they’ll be swooping in for French fries from the Cheesecake Factory patio.

The feds say a mural technically belongs to the artist for his or her lifetime plus 75 years. But here in the rain-soaked, sun-bleached real world, no outdoor painting survives that long.

In theory, pretty much anyone can do the weather. And back in Old Timey Times, pretty much anyone—including David Letterman—did.

Q: Why is “On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away” the state song instead of “Back Home Again in Indiana”?

The back-and-forth motion necessary to keep those cross-country skis moving will “work your core.” Which is a diplomatic way of saying it makes everything hurt.

“You would think the beasts wouldn’t feel comfortable in an environment that blazes like the Vegas strip.”

The Hoosierist boasts firsthand knowledge of this topic, because members of his family have crafted what he’ll charitably call “artisanal” moonshine for years.

“The Hoosierist is a confirmed skeptic, so asking him to point out ghosts is like expecting an astronomer to cast your horoscope.”

So that’s why we don’t have carriage drivers up in our grills screaming, “Hey, buddy! Carriage ride! Twenty bucks!”

“In the Hoosierist’s book, there’s no such thing as a “best” zucchini. Or even an acceptable one.”

Some freedom-crushing wonk in the Beech Grove junta decided that watermelon rinds stuffed into public garbage containers punctured the plastic bags and made a mess.

This tiny establishment with a vaguely troubling moniker offers pastries and beverages exclusively to Angie’s List employees.

Do barbecue joints need board of health clearance to set up grills in their parking lots (where the flies, stray dogs, and hobos live)?