Game 6: Colts-Texans, Billboard Material Edition

Hi, Colts fans. I’m Michael Rubino, editor-in-chief of Indianapolis Monthly. I’m joined by beloved sports talker Derek Schultz and Nate Miller, a wonderful attorney despite not having any cool billboards posted around I-465. (Taking reader suggestions for concepts on Twitter.)

After a nauseating Monday Night Football loss to the Baltimore Ravens in overtime, the Colts bounced back, beat the Texans 31-3, and showed everyone how cathartic it is to thoroughly bludgeon something. 

The Colts improved to 2-4 and things are looking up, but I’m still not sure what to expect from this team. What’s their identity?

SCHULTZ: Well, their identity is they’re good enough to savagely dunk on the truly putrid teams in the NFL. Yay! For as tough as the Colts’ opening slate has been, it also included arguably the two worst teams in the league in Miami and Houston, but, as the great Vince Lombardi once said, “NEVER apologize for blowing out Davis Mills and the Texans” (RIP). We saw some of what they want to be this afternoon. They want to be a run-first team and they have a home run threat in Jonathan Taylor, who at this point in their season may be their best player. They want to limit big plays (did that today, but have struggled with that this year) and force turnovers (+3 today and +7 through six weeks, among the best in the NFL), so everything Sunday afternoon followed that script. But, again, it came against one of the worst teams in the league. Is that a mirage? I’m still not quite sure. I’m just glad that Nate and his 3-6 kids got to see a W in person.

MILLER: We did indeed. And you know what? Lugging a gaggle of fourth-graders and 4-year-olds to a Colts game is the triple-black diamond of parenting runs, especially when a few aren’t your own. It’s inadvisable if you are not mentally prepared. It’s just a high-speed, nerve-wracking hell-slalom through endless dangers and traffic and overpriced souvenir stands. It’s for thrill-seekers looking for that *special* kind of rush, really. A rush you can’t get anywhere else. It’s a rush fueled by panic and fury mostly, with earthy undertones of WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO PEE AGAIN. It is not for everyone. 

RUBINO: Trying to decide whether Nate bringing a bunch of kids to the game was more Bad News Bears Breaking Training with William Devane or Bad News Bears Go to Japan with Tony Curtis from an adult-supervision perspective. (I don’t want to sully the original with such comparisons.) Regardless, sounds like you were being a great dad and were rewarded by getting to watch another great father in action. T.Y. Hilton is back (4 catches, 80 yards) and was the Texans’ daddy for the umpteenth time in his career.

SCHULTZ: So happy to see T.Y. back, even if he did leave grabbing “his f***ing quad”—a direct quote from someone involved in this conversation who shall remain anonymous (you have a 50/50 shot). Did you know this is his tenth season? Tenth! It’s hard to appreciate great players while they’re still playing, but I’ve always felt like we’ve not properly appreciated how good T.Y. Hilton has been. He’s unofficially 5’2″ and 120 pounds, yet he put up some of the best numbers in the league from 2012–18, the latter half happening with a revolving door of quarterbacks. I hope he can stay healthy because a) he can still be a threat and b) you know Parris Campbell is going to tweak something/pull something/get hit by a falling piece of an asteroid immediately after he does anything positive.

RUBINO: Campbell is super fun when he’s on the field and involved in the offense. That 51-yard TD pass from Carson Wentz to Campbell was ridiculous. Fireworks! Finally!

MILLER: When we weren’t in the bathroom or getting nachos or going to the bathroom again, the game was everything a fourth-grader would want out of LIFE. Confetti bombs after Wentz bombs after way too much Sprite. It was nonstop, pure, uncut Colombian stimuli, from every angle, on nearly every drive. Plus, it felt unusually LOUD in there, although it probably wasn’t. It felt important, although I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it was because I hadn’t experienced it in three years (going on 30), and wondered if I ever would again. Maybe it was because the Colts were morphing into, in real time, EXACTLY who they’ve been trying to be, one super-rad, super-disrespectful play at a time. Either way, the vibe in there felt way too swagger-y for a typical 2-4 team, and it was—in the end—a delightful goddamn day of football. Was it worth the $19,406 and multiple rage-clots in my brainstem? Probably not! I feel like I have the bends at the moment—but at least the Colts are fun again, and that’s plenty good enough for me.

RUBINO: But can they climb out of hole they’ve made and win the division?

SCHULTZ: You have to find a way to get to 10 wins, which is definitely do-able, but requires performances like what we saw this afternoon. Fans may forget that the Colts’ last two playoff appearances almost didn’t happen because of road losses to absolutely pathetic Jacksonville teams (an annual tradition!) in 2018 and 2020. Indy has lost to every team they’ve played so far with a pulse, which is survivable. But, if you’re going to do that, you have to sweep the Texanses, Jaguarses, and the Jetseses of the world. FWIW, I truly think this team is “good.” And, at the very least, going 6-7 against everyone who isn’t Houston or Jacksonville shouldn’t be a bar that’s too high for them to cross.