Colts Dive Deep Into The Abyss
Four years ago, deep sea explorer Victor Vescovo embarked on a 10-month mission to visit the depths of planet Earth’s five largest bodies of water. In his record-setting 35,583-foot dive into the abyss of the Pacific Ocean, Vescovo reported seeing garbage—notably a plastic bag and a few candy wrappers. If he repeated the dive today, chances are he might see the 2022 Indianapolis Colts offense floating around.
Fans were once again forced to swim deeper into the black, through the trash and yet-to-be-discovered gelatinous beings, discovering a 26-3 loss to the Patriots that felt more like waterboarding than scuba diving. In perhaps the most unwatchable Colts game of the season, which is really saying something when you consider that Thursday-night “win” in Denver, Indy went an astonishing 0-14 on third down and mustered just 121 yards—a season low for any NFL team this year and their worst mark in a quarter-century.
We’ve just passed the halfway point of the season and the Colts’ 2022 corpse is already sunk. The question is: Are you prepared to go deeper, Captain Nate?
MILLER: You watched a different game than I did, Derek. Because I saw some HEART out there, finally. I saw a team of Goodness and Truth fight the dark forces of greed and probably free-agency tampering. You watched a different game than I did, Derek, because I didn’t watch much of the Colts game at all. Not after the first quarter.
SCHULTZ: Hey man, for real, I’m pretty sure they want us talking about the–
MILLER: … INSTEAD, Derek, I watched my 5-year-old son in his first-ever basketball game. It was at First Baptist—the crown jewel of the Indy Youth Hoops Triumvirate™ (along with Municipal Gardens and the JCC Indianapolis)—despite still thinking this whole concept of Ultra-Youth Basketball is very stupid. That is the game I will be discussing today. That is how bleak and useless this Colts team is. That is the freedom that comes with complete editorial autonomy that comes with our bosses and non-existent readers forgetting that we’re even still doing these, because why would they?
This is real Power, Derek. This is the Power that comes with being an official Colts Recapper Person.
SCHULTZ: OK, fine. Do you actually want to just recap Youth Church School Basketball because that has to be more interesting than yesterday’s debacle?? I’m generally apprehensive to allow you to take this thing on a side road.
MILLER: My son’s 5-year-old Notre Dame Irish team is not a finished product, Derek. Not at this point in the season. Not with only 12 minutes of “dribble tag” under our belts during our only practice of the year, and only zero games. Also, we didn’t have Eleanor down low yesterday (DNP—birthday party at SkyZone). Keep that in mind.
SCHULTZ: You got it, buddy.
MILLER: Our opponents? The dreaded Tar Heels. Lots of length and athleticism in the backcourt, a nice mix of veteran leadership and those crazy-ass HIGH-MOTOR kids who are just out there looking to power-slide across the court like they’re breaking up a double play. They also had multiple kids who could kinda dribble the ball—a warning sign that there were recruiting shenanigans and general assholery afoot.
SCHULTZ: These are preschoolers, right?
MILLER: The Tar Heels came out of the gate with full-court pressure, trapping ferociously in the corners, certainly ignoring the Colored Wristband Man-to-Man Defensive System™ pioneered by First Baptist Athletics in the year 1746. The Irish came to the gym prepared to play under the rules of Decency and good sportsmanship; the Tar Heels, meanwhile, had other plans. They came to WRECK. OUR. SHIT. Rules be damned.
SCHULTZ: OK, I really don’t think—
MILLER: —and you’ll absolutely 10000000% guess who the Tar Heels coach is.
SCHULTZ: Please stop. This seems inappropriate for a Colts–
MILLER: It was Matt Howard. From Butler.
SCHULTZ:
MILLER: RIGHT?!?!?!!! Now, I don’t know Matt Howard all that well. I know “decency,” though. I know INTEGRITY. I know the rules of basketball, both written and unwritten. I THOUGHT I knew “The Butler Way.” Well I knew jack shit, Derek. We got absolutely blasted by the Tar Heels, and let me explain how that will NEVER happen again …
SCHULTZ: *reaches back over for the wheel* OK, so maybe we should park this thing? Before Matt Howard files for the restraining order?
If you’re like Nate, you’re either feeling very F-bomby or perhaps you’re not feeling anything at all. The Colts have a lame duck coaching staff, a rapidly deteriorating roster (Quenton Nelson? Ryan Kelly? Braden Smith? What happened?), no obvious quarterback option (unlike after 1997 and 2011), an increasingly apathetic fanbase, and an angry owner, tired of watching his team get sucked into a leaf mulcher by Tennessee and New England. Who to blame when it feels like everyone is to blame? What to fix when it feels like everything is broken? That’s a really awful place to be.
After treading water for eight years, the Colts feel like they’re 35,583 feet below the surface, and with each passing week, fans care less and less about diving in to reach them.
