What, You’re Still Watching This?
SCHULTZ: Having only consumed meat, cheese, and copious amounts of peppermint bark for the last 72 hours, I’m probably not in the proper physical or mental state to comment on last night’s abomination against the Chargers, but that’s not going to stop me (or Nate)! The Colts were once again a disaster offensively (surprise!) and their third spin of the Quarterback Fail Wheel yielded a rusty, slop-filled three INT night from Nick Foles, perhaps the most pathetic performance of the year, which is really saying something. Here’s the good news: The Colts rose to the top five of the 2023 NFL Draft order over the weekend and can still realistically get as high as third. The bad news? Two more games of this shit, which I am going to have to sit through strictly for these recaps. Nate, was Santa Claus at least good to you?
MILLER: Having listened to the second half on the radio, in bed, in blissful solitude—away from the kids and the chaos and ESPN’s 4K cameras—let me say this: That’s the way to go with this Colts team! Not only is there a charming, Old World allure to Matt Taylor’s play-by-play call, but it frees your mind to construct entire WORLDS of ineptitude!! Hilarious universes, really, unbound by conventionality. A failed QB sneak isn’t just a failed QB sneak, for example. That’s boring! With the magic of radio/using your imagination, that failed sneak can be the result of a synchronized, simultaneous Mortal Kombat–style annihilation of the entire offensive line! Picturing Kyle Van Noy holding up Braden Smith’s spinal column triumphantly livens things up, you know. It was fun. Sad and disheartening on the whole, but fun. Big fan of the radio. What was the final score?
SCHULTZ: 20-3, but I’m not even going to do the type of recappy recap where we mention individual performances or moments from the game. It’s absolutely pointless. If you were at last night’s game, it’s because you wanted to actually shower and get out of the house for the first time in three days and/or you were gifted tickets and didn’t want to show up your brother in-law by saying, “Are you f*cking serious?” when you opened them. You knew, or absolutely should’ve known, what you were signing up for by attending that game. Nick Foles? This line? The high school offense? The result was a given, but that’s fine! Frustrating as they may be, losses are good! If we’re going to talk about pointlessness, going 6-10-1 at this point is completely pointless. This season is an F. Not an F like me being overwhelmed in a college-level chemistry class that I had a 58 in halfway through and had to drop. It’s an F like Red-Haired Rob, who lived across the dorm hall from me at IU and just … didn’t go to class for three months. I can’t get mad at the Colts’ offense for not showing up when they never show up. Maximize the draft pick and screw everything else.
MILLER: Our Red-Haired Rob on our floor at Stetson was named Wolfgang—he was from Dallas, supposedly, although he may have been straight up KGB. Whatever. Who do the Colts play next week?? Maybe we should come armed with our three favorite Red-Haired Rob stories?? Their unique levels of never caring about things may prove useful.
SCHULTZ: They play the Giants, who can clinch a playoff berth with a win … just as the Chargers clinched tonight. That’s what this franchise is relegated to: watching helplessly while other teams clinch things on our head. For the eighth straight year, the Colts won’t clinch the craptacular AFC South. For the sixth time in that span, they won’t even clinch a Wild Card berth—they were mathematically eliminated on Thursday.
Someday, maybe the Colts will again clinch something tangible and some other poor bastard will be writing a sad recap for their city/regional magazine’s website. However, where we sit today, that outcome feels so hopelessly far out of reach. Merry Christmas, Indy!
