Philip Gulley

As near as I can figure, I’ve eaten out at least 10,000 times. By the time you’ve done something that many times, you’re a professional.

A collar is the canine equivalent of the wedding ring. Once a collar is purchased for a dog, there is no going back.

The invention of the tubeless tire must have been a sore disappointment to boys everywhere. Inner tubes served as our boats in the summer and our sleds in the winter.

This year, we’re not leaving Indiana. The little woman and I will head to our farm in Orange County, where the people are humble, the landscape inviting, the snakes few and modest in size, and nothing untoward ever happens.

I was at a doctor’s office recently, and as I sat in the waiting room, I read People, easily the worst magazine in the universe.

As of today, I am no longer Philip Gulley, private citizen. I am now Philip Gulley Inc. No more pesky taxes for me, no more heeding the rule of law, no more respecting the common man or struggling to pay the bills.

We’ve forgotten how to die in this country. Death with dignity? Fuhgeddaboudit. Not so long as there are fortunes to be made in keeping us alive.

These days, most gripers seem to be white guys. Every now and then, I hear a disgruntled woman whine about things, but she’s likely married to a grouchy white guy, and the surliness has rubbed off on her.

When I start my third party, I’ll have to suck up to some rich people to get their money. I don’t ordinarily like spending time with billionaires, but I’ll do it for the good of the country.

If your spouse ever asks if you’re mad at him or her, do not say “yes.” Don’t believe that psychobabble about the importance of open and honest communication in a marriage. Everyone who says that is divorced

The preponderance of ugly houses suggests most architects are either overworked or undersmart. In either case, it’s time I lent a hand.

Toss that bed, take down those posters, rent the room to gypsies if you must, but do not give your grown children a toehold back in.

Let us call Indiana’s prohibition against gay marriage what it is: a spiteful effort to deny one group a blessing another group enjoys.

I like being a minister, but if I had known I was going to write books anyway, maybe I would have taught college to get the summers off.

There’s an art to motorcycle negotiation. One must strike the perfect balance between indifference and slight interest.