Philip Gulley

“Every old man worth his salt should have a cardigan sweater he wears year-round. It should have soup stains on it and holes in the elbows. If a moth has chewed on it, all the better.”

It’s kind of like our Oscars—without the red carpet. Or the designer fashions. Or the statues.

“Facebook allows us to hang on the words of someone half a world away, known only to us by binary code, while ignoring the spouse across the table.”

“Every rider thinks his bike is the best, but would never say so. Except perhaps the owners of Triumph Bonnevilles, but only because it’s true.”

“I’ve tried both working and not, and prefer employment, so long as I can pick the job. Sometimes my wife picks my tasks for me, and I don’t care for that nearly as much.”

“I’ve known enough mothers to know they’re not all good, no matter what Hallmark says. I took my mother’s virtues for granted in the early years, though as time passed, I realized she was a keeper.”

“If Walmart designed a tree, the Bradford pear is what it would look like.”

“When my wife goes back inside for my writing table and the pendulum clock, I might have her grab my grandpa Hank’s fly fishing rod that hangs on my office wall. Plus, there’s my pocketknife collection. I sure would hate to lose those.”

“Let the teachers teach, let the principals oversee, let the superintendents be part-time, insist the parents do their jobs so the teachers can do theirs, and impeach any politician who piles on regulations while cutting funds.”

“I own a farm and regularly step in things left by cows, so you can trust me on this. It’s a minefield out there.”

“When the man first told me the world was ending, I was relieved. Things had been going really well for me, and the thought of ending on a high note had a certain appeal.”

“A growing number of Americans now equate fame with expertise, so naturally believed a man who had his own reality show was qualified to lead America.”

“All those gorgeous old radios in their handsome wooden cases that had faithfully accompanied us through the Great Depression and World War II were kicked to the curb. I’m still not over it.”

“What a joy it must be to condemn people while simultaneously appearing so virtuous and true, so all-American.”

“Believe me when I tell you your life will be vastly improved if you wake up each morning assuming the worst will happen, so on the off chance it doesn’t, you’ll be pleased.”