Father Vincent Lampert's Best Exorcism Jokes

When your job requires staring down evil, it helps to have a sense of humor. Father Vincent Lampert, one of the country’s 50 Vatican-trained exorcists, showed off his dry wit in our October issue (“Where do I get the cat?” was one of our favorite lines in the magazine this month), and there was more humor in store last night when the priest explained exorcism—an official rite of the Catholic church—to a crowd of about 300 at the University of Indianapolis. Here, his top scary-good quips:
Introducing Mary, who screens the 12 requests for exorcisms he receives every week: “She’s my exorcistant.” [Only one in 5,000 requests is determined to be demonic possession.]
Where exorcisms happen: “Always in a sacred place. You’ll never see an exorcism in an abandoned house on a dead-end street at midnight.”
On one of his toughest exorcisms, an Indiana encounter that was featured on the SyFy Channel: “When the demon identified itself, which shows weakness, seven different voices came out of [the victim’s] mouth at the same time. The last was Leviathan, a particularly strong demon. I commanded the demon to say “Hail Mary, full of grace” and to depart. The demon laughed and said, “grace of fool.” I commanded it to obey and submit to the power of Jesus Christ. Then it changed its voice to a child’s and said, “Hail Mary, full of grace,” and there was a shriek, and quicker than you can snap your fingers, all manifestations of evil were gone. It was a sticky August day, so I stopped at Dairy Queen for a chocolate shake. Don’t you think that would make a great commercial for Dairy Queen?”