The Hoosierist

A: Some may be outraged at the cost of a Frappuccino or Caramel Macchiato, but not so long ago, Indy residents couldn’t purchase them for any price. While Starbucks has been in business since 1971, it didn’t begin its caffeinated assault on the Indy market until 1999, when a location opened inside Butler University’s Atherton Union. A second (now defunct) spot debuted in Carmel’s Merchants’ Square a few weeks later. After that they multiplied like bedbugs, until you couldn’t drive more than a couple of blocks in any direction without spotting the McDonald’s of coffee shops. Well, perhaps they aren’t that numerous. According to Starbucks regional director of operations Nancy McLaughlin, there are currently “only” 30 locations inside the I-465 loop, and slightly more than 100 in the entire state. A decent number, but miniscule when you consider that the chain operates more than 17,000 stores worldwide.

A: Shoveling one’s walk is barely even a “courtesy thing” these days, judging from the number of people in The Hoosierist’s own neighborhood who never lay a gloved finger on the drifts in their front yards. But if you think the law doesn’t care, you’re wrong. “Businesses and homeowners are responsible for clearing sidewalks of snow and ice to allow for safe pedestrian travel,” says Kate Johnson at Indy’s lively Department of Code Enforcement.

A: There are downtown city streets with free parking? If that’s what you’re implying, then The Hoosierist begs you to enlighten him. According to Marc Lotter, communications director for Mayor Greg Ballard, pretty much every bit of curbside asphalt in the Mile Square requires coinage for parking. And it’s not just to wring every last cent of revenue from motorists. Well, it’s not all about that. It’s also to keep commuters from monopolizing spaces from dawn to dusk, to the detriment of nearby businesses needing easy access for customers. “It encourages turnover and discourages long-term parking during the business day,” Lotter says.

A: Return with us now to that bygone year of 1950, when Harry Truman was president, a loaf of bread cost a nickel (or whatever), and every member of the male gender sported a Johnny Unitas–style crewcut. It was then that soon-to-be cafeteria magnates Charles O. McGaughey and George Laughner (of the famous Laughner clan that ran the late, great Laughner’s Cafeteria chain) got together to found the very first MCL. The Hoosierist supposes you can figure out the rest.

Barry R., Noblesville

Jackson P., Indianapolis

Jake S., Martinsville

Bobby T., Beech Grove

A: The Hoosierist is amazed that the legislature, so busy concocting a constitutional ban on gay marriage and new ways to hound undocumented aliens—that is, when they got together at all—found time this year to consider an overhaul of the state’s pot laws. Thank Indiana state senator Karen Tallian (D-Portage) for the effort. Since state lawmakers are in a cost-cutting mood this year, Tallian floated the idea of reviewing Indiana’s weed laws, which are both strict and expensive to enforce. Among other things, you can get a year in jail and a $5,000 fine for possession of a measly 30 grams of grass. The Hoosierist is pretty sure he could scrounge up that much in the pockets of the Army surplus jacket he wore in college.

Q: With all its second-story pedestrian walkways, downtown must by now be the gerbil-tube capital of the Midwest. How far could a person walk without having to step outside? Christopher W., Indianapolis

Q: How dirty is White River, really? Is it “don’t get any in your mouth” dirty or “don’t stick your hand in it without getting a tetanus shot” dirty? Jeremiah P., Brownsburg