Sam Stall

“Scientists report that hookah aficionados are exposed to just as many poisons as those decidedly uncool office workers who huddle outdoors during coffee breaks, furtively committing slow-motion suicide with cigarettes.”

“While not as sun-kissed as, say, Arizona, Indiana nevertheless catches enough rays to make it doable.”

“A house with this sort of stuff in its background is called a ‘psychologically affected property,’ because unlike a cracked foundation or bad electrical repairs, its impact on a buyer’s decision is purely psychological—unless there’s a big bloodstain on the living room floor that needs to be sanded out.”

“I could never really play covers. I couldn’t pick out the tunes because my ear wasn’t trained enough and I didn’t know enough chords. But I could write tunes.”

“The Hoosierist figured he would need to chat with two or three government wonks to find a definitive answer for this one. Instead, he discovered the City of Indianapolis’s municipal code absolutely obsesses over tree maintenance.”

For an outfit that keeps some 31,000 plant specimens on its property (someone, probably an intern, actually counts them), the Indianapolis Zoo is pretty discriminating when it comes to donations.

“We’ve been asked the size of various body parts—although I don’t know why I should be bashful about that, because our new president talked about it.”

Chronic congestion? More like a mild case of the sniffles.

“I dress normally when I’m not in character, but some guys get wrapped up in it. They dress like Santa every day, and they’ll lose themselves.”

“You need not fear the Christmas Police, because when it comes to exterior holiday decorations, pretty much anything goes.”

Given that places like Bray-zil, Mile-an, and Pay-roo were all founded by people who probably never heard an actual Brazilian, Milanese, or Peruvian say the words aloud, can they be faulted for not getting it exactly right?

“I think glasses are flattering, so I’m sticking with them. I have my own eyewear line, Lisa Loeb Eyewear. I have the best selection anyone could ever want.”

Locally, the story contains about as much truth as the rumor that Old Lady Ferguson, who lives three blocks over, is giving out full-sized candy bars to trick-or-treaters this year.

Fans will sit in the north vista as ground-hugging aircraft blast by at 200 miles per hour.

Sir Ian “Gandalf” McKellen goes for $80,000 to $100,000. And beaming in William “You Know Who He Is” Shatner will set you back $100,000.